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The Big A

Alright, so I am an atheist/agnostic/freethinker/secular humanist.

I don't know what to say really. But I do feel that most people close to me would expect an explanation.
However, I am not going to explain myself, but rather try to describe how I got where I am - something like a mini biography, if you would.

Growing up
Growing up I had an inquisitive mind. Call it a form of ADD, but I wanted to know everything there is to know about everything. How does this work, how does that work? Why? Why not? But why does it work like that?

We had a set of books at home, called "Die Skatkis Reeks" (translates to "The Treasure Chest Series") and in hindsight, the books that covered natural science and technological advancements appealed to me by magnitudes more than the other books.
I slurped up the content, learning about historical development such as the vehicle engine, steam engines, rockets, ancient warfare, mechanics, geography, biology, wind, pressure, aerodynamics, structures (buildings), space flight, astronomy, chemistry, development of the wheel and this was just to get the list started.

The childhood phase of 'question everything' never really ended. That can not be said for a lot of people.
I recall in primary school that many kids told me not to be so technical. And I toned it down. My first mistake, because these days I find it hard to regain that same level of inquiry. But what I mean to underline here, is that in primary school a lot of children already starts to lose their urge to know more.

I don't think that I was the happiest child when I grew up. But I don't mean that I have been a sad kid. I lived my life trying to be good at what I do. Later in life, after high school, I started to do some research on myself. For some reason something did not feel in place, so I read up about what experienced, which lead me to 'self-diagnosis' of OCPD, or, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

Original article:

This document, to me, is one of the catalysts in awakening my urge to know more about myself.
One of the points that stood out for me in how I behaved in school was the following:
Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
I always either hated group work, or did all the work on behalf of the other group members.
In school I guess it's OK, but as I realised, it is a different ball game in the workplace - it does not work like that.

Inner Conflict
December 2012, I wrote my first post in my walk to enlightenment. I was in an extremely conflicted state at that stage, because the reality of being brainwashed by religion started kicking in. Growing up in one safe environment hides away some of the realities of life, which I think is why so many people never leave religion, even if they have questions that remain unanswered (or answered in the skewed generic "god's way" answer).
That is when I started exploring Freethinking more and more. It is not the easiest task to think freely if you are used to a box of self-imposed constraints (OCPD) on just about anything. The puzzle pieces did just not fit. Social engineering, extreme 'racism' and 'religionism', belief in the unprovable illogic 'things' that occur throughout religion, any religion, made me step back and look at life from a different angle.

Letting Go
Letting go was somewhat scary. Social Suicide (not that I have many friends), having religious (militants) knocking down my door, possibly being disowned (at the extreme), the emotional effect on my parents whom I  love dearly. These are just some of the things I had to take into consideration, because I know most people are rigid in their beliefs, and don't side with the proofs that Science brings. Cold, hard, facts. But they would rather ignore the facts and have faith.
Little Johnny studied for his test. Now reward Johnny, not some imaginary friend. After all, Johnny's butt will hurt if he scores bad, not the same friend that got thanked when he passed the other test.
I have survived letting go. It was not the easiest road. This is deep stuff. Life changing stuff.

Parental Relationship
Prior to my post in 2012, a period preceded that time where my relationship with my family and parents drastically improved. I was and am still an introvert, but I used to find it impossible to tell my parents that I love them. Why? I don't know. It just was that way. But then things changed and I slowly started dropping "I love you" to them and it was still hard at first. But then later as I saw how things fit together and that this life is all that I have, the effort in saying those 3 words vanished.
I had a great struggle within myself because I did not want to live a lie. There is no effortless way in being a people pleaser and to think for yourself. My eldest sister was the first family member I came out to, and when I did, I told her that I might not tell my parents in their lifetime - it was really that big a deal. But carrying that burden with me really took its toll. What would they say? How would they react? Well, I mean, besides being absolutely devastated. I am breaking the spiritual/religious foundations of my upbringing after all.
I have to say something on that. Spiritual and religious foundations are not responsible for your stability as a human being. Morals can be learned from the bible, but likewise from numerous other texts, religious or not.
It does not mean that if you leave your 'native' religion, you become a maniac, criminal or evil-spirited being.

Now and the Future
With all the hard times, together came good times. It is fun to explore. To peek behind the curtain. Understand what drives people, what drives me. The road is not tarred on all the roads ahead of me, but at least I am gearing up for what is coming. Someone said that I have an answer for everything. My view is that if you do not expect an answer, do not ask me a question. For reason and rationality is there, to at least attempt to find an answer - not just to have a predefined answer pushed into my hands, telling me to shut up and to sit down.


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